When my children were young, I thought to myself “Okay, these are the toughest, most demanding years. If we can just get them into Kindergarten, then things will be much more calm and manageable.” But, alas, this wasn’t the case. With primary and middle school years brought a whole new list of demands, priorities, and worries. So then I thought, “Okay, once I get them to high school, then it will be smooth sailing.” Well, not so much. The issues change, but the intensity and emotionality of our work as parents is only heightened. College is no longer that theoretical concept we discussed years ago with a financial planner. It’s really going to happen. And all of the social growth and issues with which these kids need to contend amid this pressure cooker scenario makes my head spin. It’s a wonderful time, but let’s be honest: being a parent is tough business. 

During our opening weekend at school, we heard from Ms. Jenifer Lippincott, a human development professional who focuses her work on teenagers. Ms. Lippincott is the author of 7 Things Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You (And How to Talk About Them Anyway) and has been quoted in numerous national publications. I think her main points are worth repeating. 

1. Anxious parents create anxious kids. Now, as parents, we all know that a certain amount of anxiousness is inevitable. Being anxious for them only sends them the message that you have no faith in their being able to manage their issues and accomplish their goals. 

2. Teenagers' brains really are different from ours. They are not fully developed until about 25 years old (depending on many factors, or course). They often distort things that seem completely obvious to us as parents, and they dramatize everything, in part, to compensate for this distortion. This explains why we often end up scratching our heads after having them restate what we just explained to them. 

3. Controlling them should not be the goal. When tweens become teens, their fundamental relationship with their parents changes. Teens need their parents every bit as much, but less as “coach” and more as a “consultant.” It’s less about controlling a teen’s every action, and more about guiding them through their high school journey, and ever so slowly, putting more and more responsibility in their hands. 

4. Friends don’t matter as much as you might think. This one surprised me, but I am finding it true as a parent. We as parents remain the most influential people in our kids’ lives. 

5. Taking risks gives them power. In a recent survey of private school students, their number one priority was to be at a school where, in essence, they could assume adult-like roles and responsibility. So the stage, the athletic field, the debate team, the chapel talk – all of these endeavors allow students to grow in some of the most important ways. Kids are hungry to take risks, and we must embrace them, as long as those risks are healthy and productive. 

These are just a few of my notes on what Ms. Lippincott presented during student orientation last week. I encourage you to post some of your own thoughts about these points in the “Comments” section below. I’m interested to hear from you.

Parenting: It’s tough, it’s wonderful, and it’s the most important role any one of us will ever play.

The first time I saw a cell phone was on the Movie Wall Street in the mid 1980s. It was roughly the size of a car battery. Now we all have them and they fit in our pockets or purse. Email was the next step in getting connected. My friend from college works for the government, and in the early 1990’s, he told me that he was using something called electronic mail. Neither of us had any idea how that technology would transform society when it was adapted into a private sector product several years later. And then a few years back, I started hearing about MySpace, and then the “college version of MySpace” – something called Facebook. I thought it was terrible that people had to stay connected via the Internet, but then I took the leap and now enjoy my Facebook interactions tremendously. Yes, I still get the awkward “friend” request from the kid on the playground from when I was in the fourth grade (who I didn’t really know then, and most likely have little in common with now), for the most part however it is rather fascinating to reconnect with family and friends, past and present. And now we have Twitter, YouTube, Skype, and numerous other ways of communicating and staying connected on the net. Devices themselves have also changed dramatically. When I was in high school, we had a computer literally the size of a room. It was a mysterious creature – something out of Lost In Space. I remember being afraid of even being around it. And then a computer suddenly could fit on your desk, and then in your hand, and then in spaces invisible to the naked eye.

Social networking sites represent the greatest change to how community is formed, and how human connections are made. At the time of this posting, Facebook has over 400 million subscribers, with approximately 100 million of those subscribers accessing it via a handheld device. And the numbers are climbing steadily. The uses of these sites are also evolving – from centers of basic information to multi-media presentations including movies, tutorials, blogs, etc. (If you want to see an amazing demonstration of where the Internet is going from a tutorial standpoint, I encourage you to visit www.kahnacademy.org)

Suffice to say, electronic communication is here to stay, and places like Webb, which put at a premium on human interaction, must grapple with how best to handle this potential paradox. I’m proud of how we are approaching this issue here at school. Students, teachers and administrators are engaged at a variety of levels with how best to strike the right balance between preserving the timeless benefits of human interaction with managing the plethora of social media sites effectively and responsibly. If we balance these two forces in the right way, I believe the latter has the potential of complementing and expanding the former rather than working against it. But it’s a tricky balance to maintain and it requires an ongoing dialog with all members of the Webb community.

I am especially proud of how we recently approached the issue of Facebook access in the dorms. While we used to totally restrict Facebook on our servers, the Community Life Group, which is a group of students, faculty and staff led by Dean Brian Ogden, worked hard over a 6-month period of time to discuss the issues surrounding Facebook. The consensus was – rather than pretend Facebook and other such sites don’t exist or, perhaps even more absurd, that students aren’t currently accessing these sites with their handheld devices and other means, we are much better served by allowing students access to these sites during non-study times, and educating the community on how to use these sites responsibly, safely, and productively.

Of course, the announcement during school assemblies was received with enthusiastic cheers from the student body. More importantly though, was a student-made Power Point tutorial following the announcement (led by current senior Elle Markell).

To me, this is an excellent example of how Webb works. We carefully and deliberately make our decisions after a great deal of thought and research, and with not only adult but also student involvement. I commend the Student Life Group and the community as a whole in arriving at a good place in allowing access to Facebook with ongoing education on its use.

As we continue on this unfamiliar and complex journey of contemplating the interface between technology and community, I value greatly all perspectives on how best to achieve this balance. Much more to say and consider on this topic but for now, I’ll conclude with two specific questions:

1. What do you think the right connection/community balance is? Do you agree with how the school has handled the issue of Facebook this year?

2. As parents and school, how can we develop a stronger partnership in this area. Are the school’s policies consistent with yours at home?

I am looking forward to seeing everyone at graduation in just 2 short weeks. It’s been a good year and there is much to celebrate.

CNN, NPR, and numerous other news and media sources just ran stories about the incredible difficulty of getting admitted this year into the top Ivy league colleges and places like Stanford, MIT, Cal Tech, Georgetown, Johns Hopkins, U of Chicago, Northwestern, and junior Ivy schools like Wesleyan, Haverford, Davidson, Wellesley, Barnard, and The Claremont Colleges (see list below). Most of these super selective colleges will be announcing record low admit rates, some of the Ivy schools and Stanford with admit rates at or below 7%. It will be the most selective year in college admissions for the top tier of colleges and universities in the US!

Despite the incredible odds against most students all over the country and the world, we at The Webb Schools can once again enjoy some of the best acceptances offers in history, especially with the top tier schools mentioned. Few high schools in America will be able to claim one or two acceptances to these colleges among their entire graduating class, yet we are very proud of our seniors and happy to announce that the Class of 2010 has earned a record number of admit offers from almost every major Ivy League College and University along with their peer group of other outstanding schools. Over 80% of the senior class has been admitted to a college classified in the top tier of schools (by U.S. News ratings) and 100% of the class has been admitted to a national ranked four-year selective college or university – most have multiple offers and will have a hard time turning down some of these amazing schools in order to just go to one. A sample of these schools includes:

Many of these places have offered admit letters to more than one Webb/Vivian Webb student. I want to congratulate not only the students for these amazing results, but also the outstanding college guidance team, including our Director of College Guidance Hector Martinez, his assistant Sandy Ostrow, and our faculty writers of Anne Graybeal, Donald Ball, Jess Chaintreuil, and David Fitzgerald.

Click here to read the college admission and matriculation reports from previous years.

When I was growing up, my mom used to have a ritual toward the end of each month of clearing off a portion of the dining room table, setting out her bills and other papers, and making her payments one check at a time, all the while keeping her balance in the back of her check book.  My brothers and I couldn’t help but see her doing this, and on occasion we’d ask a question or two.  “How come we spend so much on electricity?”  “Did summer camp really cost that much?”  “Wow, look how much we spend on food!” It was never a big deal, but subtly, over time, we were exposed to the business of running a family. 

Today, in my house, and I suspect in yours, much of these day-to-day financial activities are done in the confines of a computer screen, and the kids have no idea about the comings and goings of money.  While incredibly convenient and efficient on one hand, these online advances have taken the business of family money out of the thoroughfare of family activities, thereby limiting kids’ exposure to the realities of financial planning and the costs and benefits of each decision we make.

This is only one of many changes that have occurred since we were kids in terms of money.  Credit and debit cards have made spending so much easier.  The pain and reality check of pulling out your hard-earned cash to purchase an item has been dashed away by a swipe, or a scanning of a card.  South Korea has now developed a way to pay using a beam on your cell phone, and this technology will be here in the U.S. within 15 months.  So as easy as it is to spend now, it will be even easier in a short period of time. 

There has been a quiet epidemic in this country involving chronic spending, and the main target is our kids.  At a conference in San Francisco recently, I attended a session by the highly respected organization Share Save Spend.  During this seminar, I learned some startling statistics:

• People spend 20% more on average using a credit card than when using cash.  And people using this new phone technology spend an average of 20% more than those using credit cards.  The easier it is to spend, the more we spend and less we are inclined to save. 


• Teenagers alone spend $70 billion a year on products, and this doesn’t include clothing. 


• People 18 and younger spend or influence the spending of $1 trillion a year.


• The average savings rate for people 35 and younger is NEGATIVE 16%.  Do you remember when people actually saved?  My grandparents were great savers – whatever happened to that idea? 


• The average college student has 4 credit cards and is over $3,000 in debt.  (Credit card companies have multi-billion deals with colleges and universities all over this country.  When you attend a college orientation, you are likely to see all of these companies preying on new freshmen).


• Americans experience over 5,000 advertising impressions each day (when including Internet, commercials, billboards, etc.).  The most intensive ad campaigns target kids 5-18.

There are many other statistics along these lines that boggle the mind.  Suffice to say, we have a spending-crazed culture, and little to no formalized effort on behalf of families or schools to fight back, to protect our kids and ourselves from this media-driven, hyper-consumer culture, where savings is not only hardly mentioned, but even discouraged.

I am looking forward to taking action in this arena here at Webb, by exposing our students to the realities of finance, and equipping them with the skills to be savvy spenders and - yes - successful savers.  There is more to come on this project, but if you have any ideas, or a perspective to share in the meantime, please let me know.

If you’re going to change the world, it will probably happen by the time you turn 17.

In a recent chapel talk to the students, I shared with them the reasons that I got into this profession of education in the first place.  I conveyed to them many of the factors that led me down this road.  But the core reason, when it comes right down to it, is that I believe passionately that if you’re going to change the world, it will probably happen by the time you turn 17.  

By changing the world, I do not mean necessarily becoming a famous general, business tycoon, or politician.  By changing the world, I mean choosing a life of purpose where day-in and day-out you contribute something to making the world a better place – be it large or small.  The first question you have to ask, therefore, is how can you make everything you have learned at Webb, educationally and socially, work for you?

When I was a young child growing up in San Diego in the late 60’s/early 70’s, my mother taught a class in junior high school in a little town south of San Diego – less than a quarter mile north of the U.S. Mexico boarder.  Basically, it was a large class of Spanish-speaking students who were attempting to cross the bridge from Spanish-speaking classes to a traditional English-speaking high school curriculum.  This eighth grade program was a sort of do-or-die scenario for many of the students.  If they survived it and thrived, chances are they would be successful in high school, and continue on to junior college, or maybe even traditional four-year college.  If they didn’t, chances are they would go downhill from there, most probably never graduating from high school.  

Many of the students in the program were actually illegal aliens – students who would literally get up at 3:00 a.m., and sneak across the border so that they could attend classes in the U.S. that day.  They would then sneak back across the border that night, or stay at a friend’s home in the U.S.   

Bear in mind, this was well before the hot-button political issues surrounding immigration.  The U.S. had a pretty casual position on the topic, so much so that, periodically, the principal of the school would assemble the teachers, and inform them that he had been tipped off that the Federal Marshals would be paying the school a visit to do what they termed an illegal alien sweep.  The teachers, including my mom, would then prepare packets for these students to take back home to Mexico for up to 3 weeks, until the coast was clear.  

As a child, I remember being mesmerized by her stories of these kids.  I was dumbfounded – why would students go so far out of their way to go to school?  I only did it because I had to, because my parents made me; or so I thought.  

Fast forward now 35 years.  Several years ago, my mom and dad were on a bus going to a San Diego Charger football game.  A man approached my mom and asked “are you Mrs. Stockdale?” Yes my mom said, thinking that he had recognized my dad and just wanted to say hello.  You probably don’t recognize me, I was in your Southwest 8th grade class.  This person was one of those who had to sneak across the border every morning to go to school.  As it turns out, he is now an American citizen and after graduating from college, went on to receive an advanced degree.  He is now a professor of English Literature at a university in San Diego.  He went on to inform my mom that his best friend from this now acclaimed 8th grade class, who was also once a Tijuana citizen, is also now an American and, after graduating from college, now works in the San Diego Sheriff’s department.  
This story is important to me for two reasons.  First, I am incredibly proud of my mother and her spirit of helping everyone around her become a better person.  

Second, it reinforces beautifully why I am so passionate about working with teenagers – if you want to make a real difference in the world someday, the life-changing experiences when you are young will set the stage forever.  Those kids from Tijuana had an insatiable appetite to learn and to be educated.  They were young and daring in one way, but very wise in another and their actions allowed them to make better lives for themselves and eventually to make a real difference in the world.  All they needed was a teacher who believed in them, and who inspired them to pursue their dreams.   

When hiring teachers at Webb, I certainly look at their skill sets, their educational backgrounds, and their experiences as educational leaders.  But more importantly, I look for people who truly know and understand the importance of this work – that we are in the business of changing students’ lives by inspiring them to make our world a better place.  How privileged I feel to be at a school with such a clear and uncompromising focus on educating honorable leaders who are destined to make the world a better place.

During my first few chapel talks of the year, I like to challenge students and faculty to consider what constitutes a really good high school education.  I’m always impressed with what people have to say.  From the most venerable faculty members to our young freshmen, there seems to be a sense of pride in being at a school that values excellence, rigor, and the highest standards of individual and collective behavior. 

Some might say that a really good education prepares a young person to lead a successful life.  I certainly wouldn’t argue with that.   Or, that a good education allows you to reason, to calculate, to think creatively, to understand, and have perspective.  Yes.

But I always try to challenge the community to go one step beyond being a really good educational community.  In my mind, a good education does prepare you for success.  But a great education prepares you for failure—it gives you the strength and the philosophical underpinnings to help you decide what you should do when faced with a major loss, challenge, or set back.  The difference between a really good education and a great education is that a great education equips you to care about the right things, to act upon your empathy, and to struggle toward success whether you reach it or not. 

Webb is a place where we strive to provide a good education and a great education.  Our academic curriculum is grounded in the liberal arts, and provides the historical context to evaluate and detect patterns, to judge and formulate sound self-government.  Our recent growth in the arts allows students to pursue creative interests and to understand more completely the heart of our language and culture.  And our active-learning based math and science experiences expose students to the very foundations of medicine and engineering which of course lead to innovation, product conceptualization, and design. 

So there is little doubt that a good education is vital in many, many respects.  Our small class sizes, fabulous facilities, technology, college counseling – it’s all pretty impressive when you compare Webb to any school in the nation.  But there’s something else at work here – an education that runs far deeper, preparing our students for more.  It comes through in Webb’s core values:  Honor, Single Sex Education, Unbounded Thinking.  It comes through in the multitude of activities we offer, including beginning-of-year retreats, competitive sports, chapel talks, Peccary trips, formal dinners, service projects, club activities, and the list goes on.  And it comes through in just being here - living with friends and teachers – living together on this campus and learning to care for one another.  Somehow, it all comes together every day and every year to create a total experience that is far more than just a really good education. 

As the 2009-2010 year gets underway, I am beginning to see the signs of what makes us great.  The start of year activities were led by a leadership group of over 80 students.  They were well-organized and set the standard of excellence in terms of honor, residential leadership, and student government.  We have already had a number of excellent chapel programs (both from teachers and students) including the Vivian Webb Signing Ceremony, the Webb School of California honor service, and a wonderful Sunday chapel last evening featuring our very own Nina Gilbert who is a nationally recognized expert on the National Anthem.  The service council group is stronger than ever and is already active in the community, and Webb Gaul athletics are off and running – with impressive wins this past weekend by water polo, football, and volleyball. 

Our commitment to being a good school and a great school is a challenging path.  It involves placing a good deal of leadership in the hands of students, so that they can take true ownership for this place, and in doing so, learn some of life’s most important lessons in deep and important ways.  A good school would be satisfied with impressive scores, and college acceptances.  A great school is not.  I’m proud to work at a school which places so much value on scholarship while at the same time seeks to challenge its students in ways that prepare them to lead in what is sure to be a complex world. 

I’ll conclude with a portion of a poem I read to students in chapel.  It was actually found on the body of an unknown soldier after the battle of Gettysburg.   

I asked for strength that I might achieve. He made me weak that I might obey.

I asked for health that I might do great things. He gave me grace that I might do better things.

I asked for riches that I might be happy. He gave me poverty that I might be wise.

I asked for power that I might have the praise of men. He gave me weakness that I might feel a need for God.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. He gave me life that I might enjoy all things.

I received nothing I asked for. He gave me everything I hoped for….

I’d like to hear your thoughts on this poem and how you feel it relates to our focus in providing both a good and a great education for our students. 

Thirty years ago, my mother and father and I arrived at a school a lot like Webb in the foothills of western Connecticut.  We had traveled from my hometown of Coronado CA, and as you can imagine, I was in a bit of culture shock.  I remember that electrifying, and frightening day well, as it was the first time I saw my own parents struggle to keep their emotions together.  Once I met some other kids, found out where my dorm room was, and began to get involved in numerous orientation activities, I was fine (though it took some time).

Though I struggled in school at times, I had a fantastic experience overall, and therefore became passionate about the type of transformation a school like this can have on a student.  This is why I’m here, and this is why I’ve been here for over 2 decades – because I truly believe that this school transforms girls and boys into women and men of character, adults who are intelligent, compassionate, independent thinkers and learners who go on to lead fulfilling lives both personally and professionally.   

Like me and my family back in the late 1970’s, you are also in the throes of significant change.  Whether you are a boarding parent or day, a new parent or returning, the first few weeks at a boarding school are a rich mixture of excitement and emotion.  Sometimes we forget that we, as parents, are going through as much transition as our kids are, and it’s important to know that there is a network of parents on which to draw for strength, perspective, experiences and even humor. 

And so my message today is to have faith.  Please know that your child is in a caring, nurturing environment with adults who will care for them, and who have extensive experience working in this type of environment.  Your son or daughter will come to know them as teachers, coaches, advisors, dorm parents, and friends. 

Your role as parent of either a day or boarding student is critical to their educational journey.  We ask that you encourage your child to gain the most out of his or her time here.  Remind them from time to time to take risks, to take full advantage of our program, to go on a Peccary Trip with the museum, to go out for that sport or debate, or to try out for the play.  Of course, we will be encouraging them on this end as well, but your support and enthusiasm for the program is essential.  Another way you can be helpful is to let us know important information that is relevant to their adjustment here.  You’ll soon be meeting your child’s advisor.  This person will be your primary point of contact with the school, and it is important that he or she has any and all information that will help make this transition seamless.  And finally, you can be the greatest asset to your child by letting go a bit, and allowing this school do what it has been doing incredibly well for over 85 years.  

Your child will not always succeed, and not always have fun.  This is a challenging environment, both from an academic and a time management perspective, and it is important to know that your son or daughter is growing as a result of every one of these experiences – big and small.  Of course, we want to hear from you if you sense something is wrong or if you have a question, and certainly if hear something that is important for us to know.  But please know that we are closely monitoring each student’s progression and development, both as scholars and as people, and the only way someone can learn and grow is to be given the freedom to feel that they are in charge, so that they assume real responsibility.  This cannot happen if parents prevent it, and I ask that you consider that line between being helpful, and being too present, thereby preventing this most important education to take place.